Small town news (by Kat)

Dear Bet,

You were right to leave our hometown. We grew up, and you moved away. You escaped the crime and the evil ways of our little town.

Alas, I stayed put. I didn't move on. The weekend crime wave I managed to live through is a just punishment for my sedentary ways.

In the past few days, according to that bastion of knowledge and truly trustworthy source called a local newspaper:

A cow was following a person along a popular recreational trail!
Two deer were reportedly trying to cross Main Street during the day!
Someone was tap-dancing very loudly on a deck!
A bike with flat tire and no brakes was stolen!
And, finally:
Some folks were jumping from a cliff, even though "no trespassing" signs were clearly posted.
Also, quite curiously and most criminally, someone was walking down the street with a Coors Light neon sign.

As you can see, the situation is really out of control here. Remember the police blotter from the day you were born? As I recall, someone had left a large jar of pickles on a street corner. Ahh, the halcyon days of our youth. Oh, the terror of the modern age in this small town.

I bet the police where you live never get calls that people were using their cellphones as lights. That's got to make you feel safe!

Your small-town friend,
Kat