You were right to leave our hometown. We grew up, and you moved away. You escaped the crime and the evil ways of our little town.
Alas, I stayed put. I didn't move on. The weekend crime wave I managed to live through is a just punishment for my sedentary ways.
In the past few days, according to that bastion of knowledge and truly trustworthy source called a local newspaper:
A cow was following a person along a popular recreational trail!
Two deer were reportedly trying to cross Main Street during the day!
Someone was tap-dancing very loudly on a deck!
A bike with flat tire and no brakes was stolen!
Some folks were jumping from a cliff, even though "no trespassing" signs were clearly posted.
Also, quite curiously and most criminally, someone was walking down the street with a Coors Light neon sign.
As you can see, the situation is really out of control here. Remember the police blotter from the day you were born? As I recall, someone had left a large jar of pickles on a street corner. Ahh, the halcyon days of our youth. Oh, the terror of the modern age in this small town.
I bet the police where you live never get calls that people were using their cellphones as lights. That's got to make you feel safe!
Your small-town friend,